Clothing Guidelines for Men…

-Written by Sara Fanous (awesome runner and close friend)

No no no no no. No.

You may ask yourself why these guidelines are being posted on a women’s running blog…I wish I had a good answer.  Maybe I am just looking for an “amen sister!” Maybe I am hoping that, together, we can come up with an appropriate way to communicate and enforce these rules? (I am thinking Presidential Proclamation would be an appropriate next step…) Maybe, I just need to get this off my chest.

I was next to a guy on the treadmills today and his shorts were shorter than mine….NOT COOL!  I spent my entire run terrified the whole time that something was going to jump out at me!  In those moments of fear, I decided that I could be silent on this issue NO LONGER!  I am a firm believer that the short-shorts for men belong exactly where they came from …in pictures, circa 1972.  I realize, however, this is not always possible(?!)….that there may be a set of circumstance where they are needed in today’s day and age(?!).  OK.  So if this HAS to happen, can we not lay out some rules or criteria that men would need to meet in order to get into said short shorts?  I think yes.  So, without further ado, here are my rules of thumb for men’s exercise attire…specifically…for the lower half….feel free to make your own additions as you see fit!

1. Men should NEVER wear shorts shorter than their girlfriend, wife, etc. NEVER. EVER.

2. There should be a qualifying time to get into shorts that are more than 6 inches above the knee. I am throwing out a 7 minute mile pace, but I could be convinced to go lower. My rationale is simple. I figure at a sub-7 minute mile pace you are:

a. faster than most women. Therefore, you will not be running side by side with us for long periods of time (as long as we are talking outdoor running), so we won’t be spending our entire run petrified that there could be a sighting of something…unfortunate…and

b. the women that are running sub-7 minute miles with these pant-less-wonders are too hardcore about running to really care and/or notice if your business would happen to make an appearance…let’s still all pray that never happens.

3. If you are on a treadmill, no short shorts – no matter how fast you are. You are just training. The extra 6 inches of fabric isn’t going to kill you and it IS going to make the person next to you much more comfortable. Trust me.

4. In the scenario where you met the time requirements in #2 above or are just flat-out in violation of rules #1-3, if nothing else, please follow this rule…it is for the safety of us all….Embrace a snugger fit undergarment for exercise purposes. You don’t need to rock your Dad’s tighty-whities. Undies have come a long way and there are options. You should look into it. I don’t want to have to worry about your stuff coming loose and neither should you! Secure it.

5. The fit of your shorts matters. Again, I refer you to the girlfriend rule referenced in #1 above. If your girlfriend would wear shorts of similar tightness, they are too tight for you! There should be no hugging…of stuff…Let me make something very clear! Men – contrary to what you may think in your testosterone infested brains, I don’t want to see it. I don’t find it sexy if I can see it. I find it strange and it makes me uncomfortable and want to shower. Wear some looser shorts man.

In related news, I have developed a new training program! This program is guaranteed to help you hit the PR you have been dreaming of (and get a certain someone qualified for Boston). The program is simple. Get a pack of these short-shorted men and let them chase you. Repeat for desired results.